My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
