I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
