they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
