We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
