i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just gift wrapped bread.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
