apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
