the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
