My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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