Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
