My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
