I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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