Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
