He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
