I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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