it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
