I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
