halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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