1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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