My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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