Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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