Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
