In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
