I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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