its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
