you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
