My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
