He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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