Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
