I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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