So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
