About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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