My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
How's work?
Spinning.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
