I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
