i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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