she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize