Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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