Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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