Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize