just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You can't just leave with hair like that
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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