I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
