I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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