Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
