Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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