In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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