She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
