yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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