I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
