I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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