Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
