I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
