Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
