Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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