I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just invented taco cereal.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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