My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
tell me about the eggs
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