Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
