She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
