I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
i think i just lost a toe
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
