If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
