I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
