she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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