why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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