We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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