a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize