Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
