Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
